Make no mistake: Ted, the new buddy comedy written and directed by Family Guy and American Dad creator Seth McFarlane earns its R-rating.
Oh boy, does it earn it.
I’ll put it to you this way: if you don’t have a taste for profanity, don’t like to witness drug use, and don’t even like the hint of sex in movies, Ted is not for you. And not only would I suggest avoiding this movie, but avoiding any movies showing in a theater adjacent to one showing Ted. Yes, it’s THAT outrageously, relentlessly crude.
There. Now that everyone who probably would hate the movie anyway has stopped reading this and moved on to something else on the internet, I can address the rest of you who don’t mind a little filth in your film by simply saying: You’re going to love this movie.
Click the “play” button below to listen to our on-air review from this morning:
Ted has a very simple premise behind it: When he was 8-years-old, John Bennett (played as an adult by Mark Wahlberg) made a wish that his teddy bear was really alive so that they could be best friends forever, and that wish miraculously came true. Flash-forward twenty-seven years, and John is your typical thirty-something Bostonian, perhaps a little lacking in ambition career-wise but blessed to be dating the beautiful and incredibly tolerant and understanding Lori (Mila Kunis), who loves John dearly but is ready after four years together for their relationship to take another step. The problem? Well, they’re still living with Ted, the teddy bear (voiced by Seth McFarlane), who now enjoys nothing more than spending afternoons sitting on Lori’s couch taking bong hits with John and partying with hookers. He’s Stifler from the American Pie movies in plush doll form: unabashedly inappropriate, pathologically sex-obsessed, hilariously hedonistic, and furry. He’s the frat buddy you always laugh and tell stories about, the one that always got you in trouble with anyone in your life who expected you to be responsible.
All this might still be hilarious, if a bit familiar, if Ted were human. The fact that he’s a cuddly teddy bear puts the movie over the top in terms of hilarity, and amazingly, it never, ever gets old.